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Glenn Beck's Christmas Sweating
catothecensor
(Posted for Peter's amusement, from an Askville Q/A.  Someone made the mistake of asking about Glenn Beck's Christmas Sweater, the movie version.)

The short form: A two-and-a-half-hour marathon therapy session, in which a sweat-and-tear-soaked Glenn Beck milks his mother's death shamelessly for attention, pity and profit.

The long form: 12-year-old Eddie, played by a copiously sweating Glenn Beck, loses his father at an early age, and quickly becomes a Problem Child to his newly widowed and impoverished mother, also played by a copiously sweating Glenn Beck.  Cue the annual Christmas visit to the Grandparents, also played by Glenn Beck.  (It's like a one-man Hamlet, with sturm, drang, mother issues, and a mad scene featuring Glenn Beck crying in the fetal position, as he's serenaded by a buxom gospel singer.  See, that, to me, is worth the price of admission.  Ah, to see your enemies driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women men.)

Instead of the bike he wanted for Christmas, Eddie's mother gives him a homemade sweater, which he manages to insult.  He kicks up enough of a fuss that his mother, instead of staying the night with the grans like she'd planned to, takes Eddie home.  And gets into an accident, and dies, leaving little Eddie an angry atheist in the care of his longsuffering grandparents. 

Well, it turns out the grandparents have a secret: they'd actually bought Eddie the bike he'd wanted for Christmas, but because he'd insulted the sweater his mother had given him, they'd held the bike back, meaning Eddie's mom decided to take him home instead of spending the night there, meaning Eddie's mom was dead.  Eddie eventually finds out this secret, tries to run away on his new bike, gets lost in a cornfield and cracks up the bike.  At which point his wacky neighbor, a farmer named Russell, comes out and delivers the Least Comprehensible Cornpone Monologue in the History of Ever.  It goes vaguely like this: "Be a man and walk through the storm because life is storms and thunder and rain and homemade sweaters and bicycles wrecked in unconvincing cornfields murmur murmur and God and stuff, but also your mom, shamble shamble trite metaphor." 

At which point he wanders away, and little Eddie has had his Life Changed For The Better. At which point he wakes up, to find out the whole thing was a &^%$ dream. No, I'm not kidding.

(LouLou, predictably, gave a straight answer based on the book alone, and told the guy how wonderful it was.)

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